Crochet and Hip Hop.

11 Jun

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Today has been a nice day. I crocheted more of my Felted Tweed  blanket whilst listening to Peaches. Not Geldoff, the good one.  She of “Fuck The Pain Away” and “Set It Off”.

My mother has seen the blanket and claimed it. She assures me that the dogs won’t sleep on it. She also assures me that her washing machine has a very passable “hand wash” setting. I’m dubious on both counts.

My Pornographic Intarsia class (see below) is slowly filling up. Which is exciting as it’s the first workshop I’ve done as Benjamin G. Wilson rather than as a rep for a big craft brand.

If you’d like the last few spaces then email benjamin@knityounexttuesday.com

New Workshop: Pornographic Intarsia, 30th June at the Soho Theatre

4 Jun

Pornographic Intarsia
Soho Theatre, Soho, London
Sunday 30th June, 12-3
£25 per person, includes wine and all materials.

Intarsia is one of the most versatile techniques available to designers. So why do we only use it to knit flowers and boats?

In this three hour class I’ll teach you how to knit intarsia, how to wind your own bobbins and how to finish your pieces professionally. After a quick (liquid) lunch I’ll teach you how to design your own intarsia charts using paper (for simple designs) or free software (for photographic portraits and other digital images).

I’ll also be sharing my exclusive  collection of “adult” intarsia charts,  including  my celebrity scandal series (Knitted Monica Lewinsky anyone?) and vintage beefcake photography.

To book your place, email Benjamin@KnitYouNextTuesday.com

Leopard Print Knitting Chart: Knitting With Dionysus

29 May

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I’m on a Dionysian kick. Lying on the sofa, immobilised because the thing, the hunger, has taken hold. I try and act, to make movement, it bats away my suggestions like an angry jaguar would bat away birds.

How about I make plans? Arrange a trip to meet those lovely editors? How about I apply for jobs? No, it says. No, no. No. It doesn’t let me move, not if I don’t offer it what it wants. It allows me to write. It *loves* me to write. Writing gives it a chance to speak. When I read the words back, my voice is usually deep and husky. I am possesed by a creature that can purr when satisfied.

So I write. What would you have me do? Why am I waiting for instructions? I am bored of ennui and the velvet waiting rooms. What do you want?

Blood, it says. Viscera and wine and the grease of uncooked things! Cocaine! Boys! Fist fights!

But… I’m a knitter. I say that I am not in a place where I can run with wolves. Wolves do not live in haberdasheries. I am not rich enough to become a wolf myself. There are consequences to giving up your humanity. People stop paying you, for a start.

Fine then, says  the jaguar spirit, and resumes his pacing. He is still glaring and it paralyses me. He knows that I will break the bars of the cage before I let him starve. He can afford to wait.

Measure Your Men: A Request For Help

21 Apr

MEN! Aren’t they excellent? And delicious! Hooray for men!

And because I love men so very much, and because I am one, I decided I wanted to knit things for men. But, oh no, we have a problem.

The CYC guidelines for men just don’t look right to me. I’ve got a very normal, if small, body. But the armhole depth given to me by the CYC is at least 2″ too deep. I’m aware that men’s patterns don’t get knitted as much, and that men’s patterns tend toward the shapeless. So if the guidelines are too big, almost no-one would notice. But if they are too big, that’s shoddy as all get out. How will I design skin-tight clothes with nicely fitted armholes?

Everyone on the planet (who isn’t stupid) agrees we need a shake-up in men’s knitwear. The first step is correct size charts. Are the CYC correct here? Do I have oddly shallow armpits?

Help me (and all men) by measuring your nearest males. Armhole depth is from the top of the shoulder down to the split at the armpit. I’m after a measure of the body, not of the imaginary garment. So please don’t measure to a space *under* the armpit or *in* the armpit. Just to the point where the arm joins the body. Once you’ve got the measurement, pop it into the dropdown boxes below.

Please share this as far as you’re able, so the results are as accurate as possible. You people rock.

Fame: On Knitting Celebrity and Craft Vanity

20 Apr

There’s been some really good stuff written about the idea of “knitting celebrity”. Karie, on her excellent blog, writes with great eloquence about the demands of “persona” and online marketing. She ends her (excellent) piece with a caution to be humble.

During my numerous professional breakdowns (Are they performance art? A cry for help? A bid to boost pattern sales? WHO KNOWS?!?!) I’ve normally asked Twitter what level of authenticity they expect. How real do you, as consumers, expect me to be? How honest can I be before it’s just annoying?

And the answer always comes back vastly in favour of honesty. Which I love. But which also leaves me feeling a little bit guilty about my efforts to become a “product”, a “brand”. Already, I can feel you cringing through the page at me. But as I’ve thought about this more, I’ve realised why I’m engaging in these distasteful PR reductions.

You guys, I want to be famous.

We’ve got a cultural backlash against fame. Too right. TOWIE is a pile of shit. Come friendly bombs and fall on Kardashian. But notoriety, well notoriety can be excellent. Notoriety means you can say “let’s have a party ” and people turn up. It means you can say “I’ve donated money to charity” and other people copy you. It means you can facilitate wonderful good. You can embody the virtues you hold dear and watch as other people are inspired by them.

It means you never have to buy your own drinks ever again.

All of which is a preamble to excuse the chart I’m knitting from. Let it be known I don’t feel even a little bit vain. I’m essentially planning to be a martyr, so you can all stop judging me right now.

floatyface

Actually, this is my grandma’s knitting.

7 Apr

My grandfather died yesterday. Which isn’t what I sat down to write, but it’s relevant. Last week, I sat in my grandmother’s chair (who has also passed) and whilst I waited for him to die it occurred to me that I’d lost my two teachers. The people who first taught me to crochet (which I loved before knitting) are now gone. I am to be the enduring legacy of that part of their life. His time in the Navy, her WWII upbringing, have resulted in me. This isn’t what I sat down to write about either.

I sat down to write about arrogance, privilege and money. I sat down to write about heritage. I sat down angry, in fact. I think most of my readers are savvy enough to see through the adverts and know that knitting is a business. It’s about commerce, advertising, “aspirational living”. But what’s being sold? And by who?

My grandparents did not knit with wool. Wool was less soft, less enduring, more pricey. My grandfather lovingly crocheted a christening stole in purest “baby-melter” acrylic. They are not complicated pieces. They lack the soft focus photography of a Ravelry best-seller. But they are real. I can touch them.

What I cannot touch is the knitting “history” sold to me in upmarket books. I can’t touch the neatly delineated lineages that turn 1000 years of world history into a series of perfume adverts. Narratives that sell us our own dreams of authenticity, purity and self-sufficiency by growing a community of knitters whose ancestry, magically, skipped that last 90 years.

My remaining grandmother says it is impossible to buy Shetland wool. I remind her that it can be bought for £5.50 from the website I’ve shown her. Yes, she affirms, impossible. To her, a £5.50 ball of wool is beyond thought. It cannot exist. I do not mention the £200 of silk dk that is sitting on my nightstand back in London.

The heat-lamp of the internet grows strange-fruits. Our community has grown massive and financially powerful. But my root passes through my grandparents; working class people who felt clever and valuable because they could make an acrylic jumper for their grandchildren. So now, at the end of catwalk season’s annual glut of “Not Your Granny’s Knitting” articles, I find myself angry. But it’s not just at the lazy journalists who trot out the same poorly researched bullshit. I’m angry at a knitting culture that thinks itself better than it’s teachers, that fosters a better-than-you attitude about the war generation, that doesn’t recognise that yarn-snobbery operates along class lines. The word snob is *right there*.

I’m angry that our communities loudest response to these articles isn’t “actually, yes it is my granny’s knitting” but “oh dear God, no it isn’t and actually it hasn’t been for ten years fnar fnar Debbie Stoller feminism alpaca mohair.”

I’m not saying I’m innocent. But I am saying I’ve been rude. I think a lot of us have. I’m sad about that now.

This is my new project.

IMG_0003

It’s a jumper for me. The acrylic yarn for the entire garment came to less that £5. The colour, steradent green, does not exist anywhere in nature or fashion. It exists only in the world of budget acrylic DK. Wearing it will immediately communicate home-made, not hand-made. Well so what? I’m poor. My family have been working class for five generations, why should I pretend to a wealth I don’t have and don’t come from? My history, my authenticity and my tradition are better expressed by this garment than any technical lace or complicated colour-work. My craft is my granny’s craft, it is my grandfather’s craft. I come from a strong living tradition of hideously coloured acrylic. This feels like a home-coming.

Again? Really Ben?

23 Mar

Well, shit.

I’m genuinely tired of writing boring, sad posts about being sad. But, I think it’s more important to be honest than it is to be funny. This year has been full on Annus Horribilis, which is Latin for “the gods are shafting you up the arse”. I’ve had a breakdown, my finances have dissolved, and now a close relative is in hospital. I’ve travelled up north so I can support my family whilst we wait for him to die.

I would like to interject here and say something pithy about knitting or being gay or whatever else is passing as my brand these days, but it just won’t come. I have no laughs to share. I feel like I should be doing the full “Ben” performance, all singing all dancing. But really, all I want is for someone else to make my problems go away.

I’m here, surviving, and expecting life to get better eventually. Still mortified at being so open about problems but finding it impossible to be quiet without it hurting me. Pretending everything is okay won’t make things okay. Being silent won’t make me calm.

Thanks everyone, all 400 or so of you, for holding on this long. I’m going to go back to my grandfather’s house and sing the songs from Annie to myself until the world is endurable again.

A Blog Is A Machine For Turning Personal Tragedy Into Popularity

16 Mar

Firstly, my comments and stats suggest I’ve just got a slew of new readers from a certain lovely magazine. Hi! Welcome to my knitting cum sex blog and I’m so sorry for all the swear words and thinly veiled references to obscure sex acts.

Secondly, the drama over on Twitter and the gap in blogging. Oops.

Some of the more observant of you may have noticed a minor twitter melt-down occur recently. I’ve stopped feeling embarrassed, mental health problems are actually very “in” right now. Lindsey Lohan has been in contact. ITV3 have optioned the screenplay.

Sometimes, I actually like being crazy. Not the melt-down part, the earthquake and volcano. That isn’t at all glamorous. Far too much snot and runny mascara.

I like the pause at the end, when all your words die for a second and your thoughts have run themselves into exhaustion. The fragmented pieces of your head start to drift back down to you. You start gather and rearrange. There is potential for change, remembrance.

And the clarity that comes, once you’ve remembered (again, always “again”) is difficult but excellent. I feel like I’ve found a room in my house after forgetting it for several years.

And in that room, a note written in wet red ink.

“Ben, what the fuck are you doing?”

Her Penis Is The Hammer (NSFW)

18 Feb

Good morning! Is Monday getting you down? Here’s a short video to LIGHTEN things up.

Don’t be so blue, LED me cheer you up.

Actually, I’m going to stop now, because puns make me hate myself. Plus, you haven’t seen the video yet, so this is the blog equivalent of wanking straight into a stranger’s ear.

Just watch this life affirming video about a woman and her quest to invent a kegel-responsive light-up dildo. Judge me afterwards.

Originally found by LSG/Ravelry user Sumomo in this thread.

 

I Buried My Lover In The Morning

15 Feb

My one night stand has just left for work. His presence has already made me late for the day of knitting I’d planned. But before I can start earnestly freelancing, there are rituals of mourning to engage with. First, I  must make the bed. Then I will minutely examine my face for signs of ageing. Then, in a fit of introversion, I will write down the previous evening in the form of a tone-poem. I do this in my diary, using a fountain pen and a bottle of eau-de-nil ink. His skin, inevitably, will be described in a florid arbocultural simile. Either pale as cut birch or tan like the clay under uprooted ferns.

Then I will eat biscuits. I’ll look outside and glean meaning from the specific quality of the light. This morning it is cold and wintry. I take off my nakedness and slowly replace it with clothes. I bin any errant condoms. I will drink a cup of coffee and think about death and/or whitening my teeth. Finally, I will pick one of my many houseplants and contemplate it for 20 minutes. What does this wilting cyclamen *mean*?

Then I go to the pub, get a pint, and get over it. I have a sweater to finish.

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